Where am I now?

Where am I today?  I ask myself this question over and over again.  I am not sure where I am headed but I trust that it is to a better place.  As I wrote before, he left, and I haven't heard from him since...it's o.k....I guess.  I mean it makes it faster...the pain that is...I will overcome it faster right?  I'm not really lonely...there's always someone to be with....but sometimes I am lonely...sometimes you don't just want to hook up to have sex, sometimes you just want to cuddle and watch a movie...etc....Oh well...Happy 4th ALL!!!!

SAYING GOODBYE TO LARKI...MY BEST FRIEND...

From time to time, people tell me, "Lighten up, it's just a dog!"  They just don't get it....Some of my happiest moments came about with "Just a dog!"  Hours have passed, significant others have come and gone, and my only company was "Just a dog!" Not that I minded...she was the best company in the world...Always there, somehow she always knew just when to sit next to me, and when to let me be.   I had her when she looked no bigger than a toothbrush, and had been with her for the past sixteen years. During that time, she was my loyal companion.  She has been my only constant.

Today, my saddest moment is brought about by "Just a dog!"  When I got her, I knew she wouldn't live forever, whoever decides to get a pet knows this.  However, I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the day they leave or much less make the resolution to have them go.  Some of my darkest days were made brighter by the gentle touch of "Just a dog!"  She always gave me comfort and reason to overcome even the hardest days.

Those that think it's "Just a dog!" have never had the opportunity to feel the true essence of loyalty, trust, friendship, compassion, and patience that "Just a dog!" or better yet "Just an animal!" can bring into your life.  Because of "Just a dog!"  I would wake up early, take long walks on the beach, and dream of my future! 

So, you see, to me, she wasn't "Just a dog!"  She was my best friend,!  The best friend who showed only unconditional love, even on the days when I  wasn't the best to be around.  She knew just what face to give to make it all better.  She brought about what was good in me, and took me away from the hassles of life.  She kept me from being selfish, and stay a little more human...so those of you that still think that it's "Just a dog!"......you "Just don't get it!"

Larki,  you will always be in my heart!

First Full Day Gone!

Well, it has now officially been twenty four hours since he left.  Yeap, that's right, he left, and nothing.  I am tempted to say that there could be someone else, and that he had this planned for a while, but why torture myself and make a movie in my brain.  I can't say that it has been hard, since lately our relationship was really strained, I mean we were more like roommates, and nothing like the couple we were in the first three years of our relationship.  Hot steamy, erotic, sex...ahhhh.....those days....this may sound like a little Too Much Information for you but, he actually made me squirt....yeap, I had no idea until he came along that this was possible.  I mean we were making love all over the place, initially it was just sex, but then somehow it became so much more.

Yes, I miss that feeling, but where we are today, I don't see it possible to get it back, and we've tried...we went to therapy, church....Oh well, let's see what tomorrow brings, so far, it's just me and the girls (doggies)....Write To You Later!

He's out!

So, that's it...he packed his shit, and is gone..hmm...what the heck happened?  I got out of work (as usual), went to do my nails (as usual),  got home, and he was pissed!  What now?  I mean really if it weren't for my happy pills, I think I would have just lost it.  Now he's upset because I do my nails, my hair, and go shopping...really all I can say about this is WHATEVER!  You met me this way, and that is one thing that I WILL NOT change.  I am not stuck on my appearance, but I don't think there is anything wrong with grooming....HELLO!  WTF! Besides, I work hard, and I deserve to pamper myself...AND it's not coming from your pocket or affecting our household bills AT ALL! This is ridiculous, he left because he says he doesn't want to do something that he will later regret....AGAIN...what does that mean?  I know he is going through a very deep depression, for goodness sake, I don't know how long it's been that we don't have sex, and I am coping and not harassing him(thank GOD for my rabbit and erotic imagination)! Of course I don't use it when he's around, I don't want him to feel bad, I mean really who do you take me for?

Today though, I have no idea what's up!  He is always upset, and angry lately, I know that he has alot on his plate and everyone is not the same...I am the type of person who just gets over it!  I am not going to say that I have never been depressed, I have....too many times to count, but you just have to dust yourself off and try again, and keep on going (That's a song right?).  I feel as though from the bottom the only place to go is up!  So...he took a couple of jeans, and his uniform for work, and left...yeap that's it, five years down the drain....I guess it could have been worse, there could have been drama, and there wasn't, so I guess I should be grateful about that...RIGHT?

Now what?

Endings, beginnings, when will I get it right?  Who knows?  The truth is that I really don't know when I'll get it right.  Does anybody ever get it right?  Some people seem to appear as though they have it all together, but do they truly? In loving someone, there is alot that you give of yourself, and of course the ideal is that they are giving of themselves as well.  I mean that is what being in a relationship is all about. 

I wish I could go back to the time when I was picking shells on the shore, those were some carefree times for me.  The ocean although some may think is not trustworthy to me, it is my peace.  Everything seems o.k. there, it's as though, all the bad gets washed away, and I don't have to worry about it anymore.  I have come to the realization that I am meant to be with myself, as funny as this may sound, or perhaps I have never truly been in love.  Isn't love supposed to last forever?  Sure there are ups and downs, but really, isn't is supposed to last?  What is wrong with me?  It's not that I fall out of love, it's that it just dissipates?  I can't blame myself entirely, I mean he has had some part in this as well..perhaps I got tired..perhaps he got bored..but this morning he said..I'm leaving..I am not happy anymore..hmm..I told myself, silently..I haven't been happy because you haven't been happy, but I figured you would get over it, and we could move on with our relationship.  You see the problem with me is that I stick (perhaps too long) in the hopes that things will work out, but somehow, they don't.  In the beginning even our love making was totally...how should I say...off the chain...orgasmically amazing...I mean I hadn't felt like that in years...I mean at the time, I gave up everything just to be with him.  Some might think that it was just the sex, but truly it wasn't.  You see, we were in tune on a different level.  He stimulated me not only sexually, but intelectually, and emotionally as well.  He was my hero at the time, but how we got here I don't know, is it salvageable, I don't know...what to do?  I don't know!

EMOTIONAL RESOLUTION UPDATE

O.K. so we had a breakdown.  I go back to work tomorrow, and my honey totally lost it...o.k. so you guessed it...the mistake took place at work...in all honesty I really don't know how he has done it.  Latin men are a very weird species, so I know that he loves me very much, and I know that what bothers him the most is the fact that I have taken his sense of manhood by doing what I did.  

It was really bad today...I can't really say much, since I think that it is better that he finally let all of these emotions come out.  Perhaps this will make it better for him, perhaps not...he left to school soon after and then of course went to have a couple of beers with his friend...this really bothers me, and he doesn't seem to see how much.  We all deal with things differently, and his way of dealing with issues to me, really doesn't cut it...I am really pissed off right now...Estoy que lo mando pa' el carajo!  But then, I stop and think of what he must be going through internally, and I figure, I can atleast give him that much...but how much is enough.  I meet issues head on, and once I acknowledge a problem, then hey now it's time to focus on the solution, now just sit and mope around feeling sorry for yourself! AHI AHI AHI!!!!!!


Bueno...time to go...for now!

Time to think about my New Year's Resolution-My trip past Broke..

Life is not a vacation, and unfortunately, tomorrow, I have to go back to work....Ugh....don't get me wrong, I do not mean to sound ungrateful...I HAVE A JOB, and am very grateful for it, but with this holiday time off, it makes it hard to look forward to getting back into the same hum drum spin of things.  It's so important to do what you love, and thinking of how hard this economy is at the moment, many of us can't really venture into giving up our steady jobs, and going after our dreams.


Is this fair to ourselves, should we settle?  I don't think so, I think today we just need to be smart about it.  For example, we need to have goals, I am thirty something, and although I can't complain about my life, I mean it is really quite great for the most part, but I'm broke, yeap, you read it right...I AM BROKE! I make a decent living, but for some reason my spending has me living paycheck to paycheck.  


Now, seeing me, you may think, my life is absolutely fabulous, great hair, beautiful clothing, nice apartment, loads of travels, etc.., but as the commercial says...I'm in debt up to my EYEBALLS! Why I ask myself, I don't know, I love to shop! Then again, what woman doesn't?  But, when is it enough, when will I have enough shoes, scarves, shirts, dresses, earrings, etc...you get the point.  Last time I counted I had over one hundred fifty pairs of shoes....You may wonder if I wear them all, and yes!  I do! They each have an outfit that they belong to, and at times, I even get more than an outfits use of them.  

So, this past week I went to San Francisco....beautiful city I must add! I had a lot to think about, I thought about where I wanted to be both emotionally and financially.  As the years pass by, of course we know that we do not get any younger, however, many times, when we come to the realization that we need to make a change in our lives, it's when we have a little more wisdom and life experience.  At a bookstore, I ran into a book by Suze Orman, The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke.  My sister totally loves her, I personally have never really been able to get into Suze, perhaps it's my subconscious mind rejecting her, because I should be following her advice, perhaps not.  Either way, I bought the book, yeap, I bought it, and started to read it, so, as my New Year's Resolution, I, YXORY, WILL WORK ON BEING FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE!


Yes, I will follow Suze's advice, and get back on track, it's never too late....I hope!


Well, my first step, is registering on Suze's website, and enter my information...so here goes!


The second part of my resolution is becoming EMOTIONALLY RESPONSIBLE!  I have really messed up  in the past, and although I am with a man whom I love very much, and I know he loves me, I must admit, that there are a lot of issues that we need to work on.  I am partly responsible, perhaps I have been a single woman for too long, but I will not take all the blame, a relationship is about two people coming together and working as a team.  I know that being unfaithful put a huge barrier in our relationship, but I am here and I want to work past it.  I have never believed that an infidelity is a reason to end a relationship.  On the contrary, if people were to really look for the solution, they would be able to become a much better, stronger couple.  I am not excusing my actions, but I was tired.  I was tired of waiting for him to make a resolution...four years...and I was still waiting... was lonely, and felt incomplete, and so it happened, I can't say that it was the biggest mistake of my life, because I believe we learn from our mistakes.  Do I regret it.  Perhaps, but in life, I have learned that the only things that you regret are those that you didn't do....So, how, I will put my EMOTIONALLY RESPONSIBILITY into action, well, I haven't picked up a book on that yet....but we'll see.


This year, I will take a much more direct and accountable approach at accomplishing my New Year's Resolutions.  I will blog my progress....this will help keep me on track...and most importantly...FOCUSED!

Another trauma...Death

When someone whom we love dies, we are left with an emptiness inside.  We feel pain, sorrow, hurt and anger.  We know that we will eventually overcome the pain, and that our life will go on, but it does not change how we feel.  That nostalgia makes us put our lives into perspective.  It makes us come to the realization of how important it is to let the people that you love know how much you love them, and how important they are to you!  With all the running around that we do on a day to day basis, many times we overlook the importance of spending time with our loved ones. In all honesty, these moments are the only ones that have any value.  It's those moments that make us who we are. 

This morning I attended a burial and although I have attended many before (I have a really big family) for the first time it dawned on me how unprepared we truly are regarding death.  Seeing all the mourners, and the pain that everyone was going through with this loss, I realized that I had to find a positive point for such a moment.  I associated this moment with birth. When a child is created and is in the womb, they feel safe, and secure.  At that moment they can't imagine that there is ever a better place than in their mommy's womb.  As the months progress, and birth is inevitable, that moment when the water breaks and the contractions begin, the pushing out, and finally the birth... is the child truly prepared?  There it is the first trauma, BIRTH!

So, are we prepared? Perhaps yes, perhaps no...what I do know is that we arrive into an unknown place.  A place that no one has yet told us how it will be and then, once we arrive, we realize that it's not so bad.  Mommy is still there, and now there's so much space.  We live, love, grow, and think that there is no other place as this, and then it happens, if we're lucky one hundred years later, we must face death.

Again, we're afraid, we don't know what to truly expect.  No one can truly tell us "this is how it is going to be".  So we are fearful, perhaps we resign to our fate, but none the less there is a sense of not knowing what is to come.  Is it the end?  Is it like birth?  Is something better waiting for us?  Wouldn't we all like to know the answer to these questions, of course, but in reality we don't know the answers, we just have to accept and move to the next phase.

FREE OR NOT FREE

I used to write because it freed me, took me to another world, and embarked me towards new dimensions. Today, I feel like I write to remember...I am afraid to forget.