EMOTIONAL RESOLUTION UPDATE

O.K. so we had a breakdown.  I go back to work tomorrow, and my honey totally lost it...o.k. so you guessed it...the mistake took place at work...in all honesty I really don't know how he has done it.  Latin men are a very weird species, so I know that he loves me very much, and I know that what bothers him the most is the fact that I have taken his sense of manhood by doing what I did.  

It was really bad today...I can't really say much, since I think that it is better that he finally let all of these emotions come out.  Perhaps this will make it better for him, perhaps not...he left to school soon after and then of course went to have a couple of beers with his friend...this really bothers me, and he doesn't seem to see how much.  We all deal with things differently, and his way of dealing with issues to me, really doesn't cut it...I am really pissed off right now...Estoy que lo mando pa' el carajo!  But then, I stop and think of what he must be going through internally, and I figure, I can atleast give him that much...but how much is enough.  I meet issues head on, and once I acknowledge a problem, then hey now it's time to focus on the solution, now just sit and mope around feeling sorry for yourself! AHI AHI AHI!!!!!!


Bueno...time to go...for now!

Time to think about my New Year's Resolution-My trip past Broke..

Life is not a vacation, and unfortunately, tomorrow, I have to go back to work....Ugh....don't get me wrong, I do not mean to sound ungrateful...I HAVE A JOB, and am very grateful for it, but with this holiday time off, it makes it hard to look forward to getting back into the same hum drum spin of things.  It's so important to do what you love, and thinking of how hard this economy is at the moment, many of us can't really venture into giving up our steady jobs, and going after our dreams.


Is this fair to ourselves, should we settle?  I don't think so, I think today we just need to be smart about it.  For example, we need to have goals, I am thirty something, and although I can't complain about my life, I mean it is really quite great for the most part, but I'm broke, yeap, you read it right...I AM BROKE! I make a decent living, but for some reason my spending has me living paycheck to paycheck.  


Now, seeing me, you may think, my life is absolutely fabulous, great hair, beautiful clothing, nice apartment, loads of travels, etc.., but as the commercial says...I'm in debt up to my EYEBALLS! Why I ask myself, I don't know, I love to shop! Then again, what woman doesn't?  But, when is it enough, when will I have enough shoes, scarves, shirts, dresses, earrings, etc...you get the point.  Last time I counted I had over one hundred fifty pairs of shoes....You may wonder if I wear them all, and yes!  I do! They each have an outfit that they belong to, and at times, I even get more than an outfits use of them.  

So, this past week I went to San Francisco....beautiful city I must add! I had a lot to think about, I thought about where I wanted to be both emotionally and financially.  As the years pass by, of course we know that we do not get any younger, however, many times, when we come to the realization that we need to make a change in our lives, it's when we have a little more wisdom and life experience.  At a bookstore, I ran into a book by Suze Orman, The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke.  My sister totally loves her, I personally have never really been able to get into Suze, perhaps it's my subconscious mind rejecting her, because I should be following her advice, perhaps not.  Either way, I bought the book, yeap, I bought it, and started to read it, so, as my New Year's Resolution, I, YXORY, WILL WORK ON BEING FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE!


Yes, I will follow Suze's advice, and get back on track, it's never too late....I hope!


Well, my first step, is registering on Suze's website, and enter my information...so here goes!


The second part of my resolution is becoming EMOTIONALLY RESPONSIBLE!  I have really messed up  in the past, and although I am with a man whom I love very much, and I know he loves me, I must admit, that there are a lot of issues that we need to work on.  I am partly responsible, perhaps I have been a single woman for too long, but I will not take all the blame, a relationship is about two people coming together and working as a team.  I know that being unfaithful put a huge barrier in our relationship, but I am here and I want to work past it.  I have never believed that an infidelity is a reason to end a relationship.  On the contrary, if people were to really look for the solution, they would be able to become a much better, stronger couple.  I am not excusing my actions, but I was tired.  I was tired of waiting for him to make a resolution...four years...and I was still waiting... was lonely, and felt incomplete, and so it happened, I can't say that it was the biggest mistake of my life, because I believe we learn from our mistakes.  Do I regret it.  Perhaps, but in life, I have learned that the only things that you regret are those that you didn't do....So, how, I will put my EMOTIONALLY RESPONSIBILITY into action, well, I haven't picked up a book on that yet....but we'll see.


This year, I will take a much more direct and accountable approach at accomplishing my New Year's Resolutions.  I will blog my progress....this will help keep me on track...and most importantly...FOCUSED!

Another trauma...Death

When someone whom we love dies, we are left with an emptiness inside.  We feel pain, sorrow, hurt and anger.  We know that we will eventually overcome the pain, and that our life will go on, but it does not change how we feel.  That nostalgia makes us put our lives into perspective.  It makes us come to the realization of how important it is to let the people that you love know how much you love them, and how important they are to you!  With all the running around that we do on a day to day basis, many times we overlook the importance of spending time with our loved ones. In all honesty, these moments are the only ones that have any value.  It's those moments that make us who we are. 

This morning I attended a burial and although I have attended many before (I have a really big family) for the first time it dawned on me how unprepared we truly are regarding death.  Seeing all the mourners, and the pain that everyone was going through with this loss, I realized that I had to find a positive point for such a moment.  I associated this moment with birth. When a child is created and is in the womb, they feel safe, and secure.  At that moment they can't imagine that there is ever a better place than in their mommy's womb.  As the months progress, and birth is inevitable, that moment when the water breaks and the contractions begin, the pushing out, and finally the birth... is the child truly prepared?  There it is the first trauma, BIRTH!

So, are we prepared? Perhaps yes, perhaps no...what I do know is that we arrive into an unknown place.  A place that no one has yet told us how it will be and then, once we arrive, we realize that it's not so bad.  Mommy is still there, and now there's so much space.  We live, love, grow, and think that there is no other place as this, and then it happens, if we're lucky one hundred years later, we must face death.

Again, we're afraid, we don't know what to truly expect.  No one can truly tell us "this is how it is going to be".  So we are fearful, perhaps we resign to our fate, but none the less there is a sense of not knowing what is to come.  Is it the end?  Is it like birth?  Is something better waiting for us?  Wouldn't we all like to know the answer to these questions, of course, but in reality we don't know the answers, we just have to accept and move to the next phase.

FREE OR NOT FREE

I used to write because it freed me, took me to another world, and embarked me towards new dimensions. Today, I feel like I write to remember...I am afraid to forget.

It's been a while...and I cheated....

It's been a long while since I've been here...but now I'm back...so much has happened I really don't know where to start. I have done so much that sometimes I wonder who I really am. The day that I was given a second chance at life, I was sure I had become a better person. Negative on that one...I can't say I am a bad person, but I kind of live life a bit more selfishly. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, however, sometimes, I find it very difficult to realize what I am doing. Since my last post, I have lived a great love, cheated on that love, and am now trying to pick up the pieces of that love and try to make the heart whole again.

Will we get through this? I don't know. Do I regret what I did? It depends. I know this sounds really bad, but the truth is that everything that we do is an experience and why regret an experience. I do regret it if I look at what I did to my relationship as a result of a one-night stand. But, for how long do I pay for this. I will always accept my fault, and I will never excuse my actions, but it is what it is. Either we solve it or not. He has moments when he wants to solve it, and then there are those when he doesn't, this roller coaster is not healthy for either one of us, but I just can't let go. I love him too much.

Then there are those times when I don't regret it, it happened...Yes, but what led it to happen. I have never thought that a relationship should end as a result of an infidelity. Unless you are a career cheater, most people cheat when something in their relationship isn't quite right. When you leave a back door open, and someone is able to come in...try to close it and make your relationship "stranger proof". Plain and simple, fix what's broken, and then move forward.

LITTLE CHANGES

I understand the meaning of cause and effect...it is up to me what will happen...Former thoughts, words and actions became my present...and right now I am sowing the seeds of my future.........................

Yes, I now understand...... after...

How I came to hear those terrible words, and how I am regaining myself....

It’s the little things we do each moment which makeup our days and so our lives...

A slight change in the course of a ship or plane may change its eventual destination by hundreds of miles, so too a slight little change in our lifestyle will result in a tremendous and transforming return. It really is an awesome investment....we receive far more than what we actually invest.
There are an infinite number of little changes we can make that will change the course of our lives and directly, because everything is interconnected, this world.

BECAUSE I CARE...I DON'T CARE

Because I care...I don't care what people say, what people do, what people think. I have finally understood that I can't make everyone happy. Funny, I think, because we hear that all the time, however, we never truly understand the concept. We get so caught up in the drama, and our surroundings that we forget to make ourselves truly happy. I am still evolving into this new person, life has lend me a hand in that, and I must admit, it isn't easy. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just say......(FUCK IT!) and actually act on the impuse... and truly feel that..."It's all about me"; but in reality since birth we are trained to not think or much less act this way. However, as selfish as it may sound it really isn't selfish at all. In life you have to treat yourself first, second, and third, then you can give room to everything else in your life. Why is this unselfish...simple as long as you take care of you...you will be happier and much more willing to help others...if you want to of course. As wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, brothers, and friends we feel bad to think this way, but looking at it from a different perspective being a truly happy person..you can emmit that to your loved ones. It's funny how we loose track of the truly important things in life. Why? I ask myself this all the time. Why does something major have to happen in our lives to make us see what is truly important and appreciate it.

I still haven't been able to find the strength to fight for what I want...I guess I'm waiting for you!

Life has a funny way of working itself out. Sometimes we push and push for what we want, and it just doesn't happen....but we keep on pushing...and still nothing...then all of a sudden BOOM...BAM...you fall right on your face, and realize that although we are the artists of our own destiny, there is a higher power that has already dictated what is to come of our lives.

REACH FOR THE SKY

Wonderful things come to those who are willing to reach for the sky. Sometimes we wonder when that time will come...today I am confident that it does. I still don't know when, but I know it will. Through it all, I've never felt angry....sad, many times, but never angry. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes we do not need to know the reason, just accept it, and wait for the reward....because the reward is just around the corner, it comes just when you least expect it.

What's meant to be will be....

Life has a funny way of working it's way out. Today I think that all the tears, and all the suffering really are something that we had to go through, but no matter what, whatever is meant to be will be. I feel like just taking a back seat, and waiting to see what happens, but I can't, because I still believe that we are the makers of our own destiny, but where is that destiny going to lead us? That I don't know right now, but hopefully soon I will. Truth, it's so important, I just never had the strength to tell it, since it was a lie anyway. I can't see too far ahead, but what I see now is not pretty...hopefully soon it will be pretty.

DIVORCE-SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Divorce is one of life's most difficult and serious decisions. Sue Quilliam reveals the three main reasons for women wanting a divorce and whether you should be thinking of moving on.

Things are wrong between you. Rows, silences, affairs, more rows - it's so bad you're thinking of divorce.

But should you be? Divorce is a serious step. And while no one would want to go back to the days when it was impossible to part, you do need to think it through seriously. In my postbag, three reasons for divorce crop up again and again. Women are scared to stay ... they feel bad about their partners ... or they long for a brighter future. But how can you decide whether these reasons are, quite literally, grounds for divorce?

'I'm scared.'If you're actively frightened, that's a very bad sign. So if, for example, your relationship is making you physically or emotionally ill, then at the very least consider moving out for a while to get some perspective on the situation.

If your partner is suffering from alcohol or drug abuse, then again the news is not good. Because it's highly likely that however much you put into the relationship, he won't be able to return it. There's no point in hanging in there.

Finally, if there's a pattern of violence, it's dangerous to stay - both physically and emotionally. The only exception to this is if your partner is actively involved in a recovery programme - then he needs a chance to prove himself. But if he is unwilling to get help, or says he will get help and then doesn't, you must leave.

For extra help on drug issues, ring Release on 020 7729 9904. For extra help on alcohol issues contact Al-Anon 020 7403 0888. If the problem is domestic violence, then ring Refuge 0870 599 5443, a 24-hour crisis line for women and children trying to escape domestic violence.
'I see the future as so much brighter.'Sometimes, it's not just the stick of emotional pain that drives you to divorce, it's the carrot of what else might be out there, outside your marriage. And actually, if what else is out there is genuinely better than your marriage, then you may be right to leave.

One key sign is if either of you seem to be heading for a life change -taking a job, moving house, travelling - that actually excludes the other or cuts right across their wishes. Another variation on this theme is when one or both of you are having a serious affair. In both cases, you're focussing your energy elsewhere, your partner is already second best.

If while reading this, you're realising that in fact, your seemingly bright future wouldn't be so bright - or that even if it was, it wouldn't make up for the loss of your marriage - then hang in there. Try reading my book Staying Together , (Vermilion, £7.99). But if having your own way is more important than keeping your relationship together, the decision's already made.

What next? If the decision is made, and you do decide to divorce, remember that support is always available. Relate has pre- and post-divorce counselling and support groups. For more practical help where children are involved, contact the Family Mediators Association (FMA) 0207 383 5993.

And I would also recommend the following two books: How to Cope With Splitting Up by Vera Peiffer, (Sheldon Press, £5.99);Divorce and Separation, Every Woman's Guide to a New Life by Angela Willans, (Sheldon Press, £5.99).

WOW!!

Is this not the hottest guy you have ever seen!!!

LIGHT AT THE END.......BUT WHEN......

There is always light at the end of the tunnel.....how many times have we not heard this? But when is it the end really? I have finally made the decision that has been eating me inside, I really thought it would feel better, but it doesn't, I feel worse, and that just makes me wonder if I made a mistake or not. My heart is in pain, and I don't know how to stop it, but I can't have my cake and eat it too, that's how the saying goes. So I chose, finally I chose, and my heart still hurts, why does my heart still hurt?

Dame mi cafecito!!!

Today as I was heading into the office, I realized of the importance of my cafecito! Being Colombian American, and having grown up in Miami, it's no wonder that every morning, I need my shot...of coffee that is. So like never before, I started to wonder.....what is it with this delicacy that has me so addicted. "What tequila is to liquor, cafe cubano is to the world of coffee." We don't sip it or savor it...we drink it like a shot! Cafe cubano is at the very least double or maybe even triple the strength of American coffee, and for me and most other hispanics living in this area it is a daily morning ritual. We drink it at any time of day when we need a surging jolt of energy. It's kind of impressive to receive such jolts from a little thimble sized plastic cup. Thank you to el cafecito for make my day a little mas rico!

Latina Lista: Study Says Latinos Twice as Likely as Whites to Die from Melanoma

Latina Lista: Study Says Latinos Twice as Likely as Whites to Die from Melanoma

Where are you?

Where'd you go? Your heart was always with me, and now it's not. Maybe it isn't our time, maybe we should wait, but how do I tell my heart? How will I make it understand? I know I love you, and you say you love me............what now? After everything, what now?

We're all grown up....and me?

Some of us live in a place where we do what is expected, and perhaps we believe that what is expected is what we want. We meet great people, and interact with them, and live the life....live the life. Then one day we look around, and it's gone...no, no one left, you left, I left, I wanted to leave, I couldn't breathe. Then again, I look around, and everyone else stayed the same, I changed, no one else changed but me. Everyone followed the plan... I didn't.

I hurt people during this change, and I am truly sorry, I have to live with myself for this, and believe me I hurt...I still hurt, but I lived the moment, and they were happy moments. They were extreme moments that I would not have lived had I not taken the chance. But today I wonder.....I will always wonder, but I will not regret. I can't regret, they were good moments.

Today again, I wonder, is everyone right? Am I wrong? We're all grown up....I'm grown up, but not like all of you...I'm alone, none of you are alone....I wonder....and me? When will it be me?

I do.....

I never thought this day would come, when you were no longer in my life, I never thought I'd feel this numb to the pain I feel inside,
I love you,
I do,
I miss you,
I do,
I need you,
I do,
I want you,
I do,
I lost you,
I did.........

BACK AGAIN!

Here I am back again! I just got back from Colombia! I must say I had a very good time, each time that I travel away from the States I realize how happy I am that I'm here, but how much we actually give up by doing so. Some of my family is still there (in Colombia), and eventhough they don't have much, their lives seem fuller. What is the price that we pay for living the way that we live. I love this country and am grateful that it opened the door to my parents so that they could create a better life for us. My cousins are all desiring to come over to the land of opportunity, and I long for just a little bit of what they have. I am not sure what would have become of me had my parents stayed in Colombia, but I am very happy with my life here. In Miami life is a bit more laid back than cities like New York, and Chicago, but having been in Colombia, I realized just how fast paced Miami really is. (Of course in Comparison to Barranquilla). The sad thing is that I was there about four years ago, and everything was exactly the same. The street that leads to my aunt's house was still full of holes or perhaps I should say craters, that in order to get there you feel as though you are riding a horse even though you are actually in a car. The men are still trying to make ends meet (since they were retired at 40 for being too old). The women are still working diligently and exhaustingly in the house, because eventhough they have someone who helps them (maid), NO ONE will pitch in. That would definitely not work around here, that's for sure! It's funny, because when my cousins would tell me how much they want to come to the States, the first thing that I asked them is "Do you cook, clean, wash, etc...because if you don't you better learn!" Their faces were priceless, UNBELIEVABLE!
Women in this country have come a long way, and, although I know we realize it, once you see other women's reality in the face you can't help but thank GOD that we are where we are! I really have no other country to compare it to, and I am sure that other parts of Colombia may be different, but where I was, it wasn't.

Grandes Amores

Los grandes amores siempre son complicados...Aveces ahi que romper en la vida para obtener lo que uno quiere.

Si los dejamos, los deseos y las pasiones se vuelven fantasias y si uno no lucha por ellos, para que valen?