Divorce is one of life's most difficult and serious decisions. Sue Quilliam reveals the three main reasons for women wanting a divorce and whether you should be thinking of moving on.
Things are wrong between you. Rows, silences, affairs, more rows - it's so bad you're thinking of divorce.
But should you be? Divorce is a serious step. And while no one would want to go back to the days when it was impossible to part, you do need to think it through seriously. In my postbag, three reasons for divorce crop up again and again. Women are scared to stay ... they feel bad about their partners ... or they long for a brighter future. But how can you decide whether these reasons are, quite literally, grounds for divorce?
'I'm scared.'If you're actively frightened, that's a very bad sign. So if, for example, your relationship is making you physically or emotionally ill, then at the very least consider moving out for a while to get some perspective on the situation.
If your partner is suffering from alcohol or drug abuse, then again the news is not good. Because it's highly likely that however much you put into the relationship, he won't be able to return it. There's no point in hanging in there.
Finally, if there's a pattern of violence, it's dangerous to stay - both physically and emotionally. The only exception to this is if your partner is actively involved in a recovery programme - then he needs a chance to prove himself. But if he is unwilling to get help, or says he will get help and then doesn't, you must leave.
For extra help on drug issues, ring Release on 020 7729 9904. For extra help on alcohol issues contact Al-Anon 020 7403 0888. If the problem is domestic violence, then ring Refuge 0870 599 5443, a 24-hour crisis line for women and children trying to escape domestic violence.
'I see the future as so much brighter.'Sometimes, it's not just the stick of emotional pain that drives you to divorce, it's the carrot of what else might be out there, outside your marriage. And actually, if what else is out there is genuinely better than your marriage, then you may be right to leave.
One key sign is if either of you seem to be heading for a life change -taking a job, moving house, travelling - that actually excludes the other or cuts right across their wishes. Another variation on this theme is when one or both of you are having a serious affair. In both cases, you're focussing your energy elsewhere, your partner is already second best.
If while reading this, you're realising that in fact, your seemingly bright future wouldn't be so bright - or that even if it was, it wouldn't make up for the loss of your marriage - then hang in there. Try reading my book
Staying Together , (Vermilion, £7.99). But if having your own way is more important than keeping your relationship together, the decision's already made.
What next? If the decision is made, and you do decide to divorce, remember that support is always available. Relate has pre- and post-divorce counselling and support groups. For more practical help where children are involved, contact the
Family Mediators Association (FMA) 0207 383 5993.
