First Full Day Gone!

Well, it has now officially been twenty four hours since he left.  Yeap, that's right, he left, and nothing.  I am tempted to say that there could be someone else, and that he had this planned for a while, but why torture myself and make a movie in my brain.  I can't say that it has been hard, since lately our relationship was really strained, I mean we were more like roommates, and nothing like the couple we were in the first three years of our relationship.  Hot steamy, erotic, sex...ahhhh.....those days....this may sound like a little Too Much Information for you but, he actually made me squirt....yeap, I had no idea until he came along that this was possible.  I mean we were making love all over the place, initially it was just sex, but then somehow it became so much more.

Yes, I miss that feeling, but where we are today, I don't see it possible to get it back, and we've tried...we went to therapy, church....Oh well, let's see what tomorrow brings, so far, it's just me and the girls (doggies)....Write To You Later!

He's out!

So, that's it...he packed his shit, and is gone..hmm...what the heck happened?  I got out of work (as usual), went to do my nails (as usual),  got home, and he was pissed!  What now?  I mean really if it weren't for my happy pills, I think I would have just lost it.  Now he's upset because I do my nails, my hair, and go shopping...really all I can say about this is WHATEVER!  You met me this way, and that is one thing that I WILL NOT change.  I am not stuck on my appearance, but I don't think there is anything wrong with grooming....HELLO!  WTF! Besides, I work hard, and I deserve to pamper myself...AND it's not coming from your pocket or affecting our household bills AT ALL! This is ridiculous, he left because he says he doesn't want to do something that he will later regret....AGAIN...what does that mean?  I know he is going through a very deep depression, for goodness sake, I don't know how long it's been that we don't have sex, and I am coping and not harassing him(thank GOD for my rabbit and erotic imagination)! Of course I don't use it when he's around, I don't want him to feel bad, I mean really who do you take me for?

Today though, I have no idea what's up!  He is always upset, and angry lately, I know that he has alot on his plate and everyone is not the same...I am the type of person who just gets over it!  I am not going to say that I have never been depressed, I have....too many times to count, but you just have to dust yourself off and try again, and keep on going (That's a song right?).  I feel as though from the bottom the only place to go is up!  So...he took a couple of jeans, and his uniform for work, and left...yeap that's it, five years down the drain....I guess it could have been worse, there could have been drama, and there wasn't, so I guess I should be grateful about that...RIGHT?

Now what?

Endings, beginnings, when will I get it right?  Who knows?  The truth is that I really don't know when I'll get it right.  Does anybody ever get it right?  Some people seem to appear as though they have it all together, but do they truly? In loving someone, there is alot that you give of yourself, and of course the ideal is that they are giving of themselves as well.  I mean that is what being in a relationship is all about. 

I wish I could go back to the time when I was picking shells on the shore, those were some carefree times for me.  The ocean although some may think is not trustworthy to me, it is my peace.  Everything seems o.k. there, it's as though, all the bad gets washed away, and I don't have to worry about it anymore.  I have come to the realization that I am meant to be with myself, as funny as this may sound, or perhaps I have never truly been in love.  Isn't love supposed to last forever?  Sure there are ups and downs, but really, isn't is supposed to last?  What is wrong with me?  It's not that I fall out of love, it's that it just dissipates?  I can't blame myself entirely, I mean he has had some part in this as well..perhaps I got tired..perhaps he got bored..but this morning he said..I'm leaving..I am not happy anymore..hmm..I told myself, silently..I haven't been happy because you haven't been happy, but I figured you would get over it, and we could move on with our relationship.  You see the problem with me is that I stick (perhaps too long) in the hopes that things will work out, but somehow, they don't.  In the beginning even our love making was totally...how should I say...off the chain...orgasmically amazing...I mean I hadn't felt like that in years...I mean at the time, I gave up everything just to be with him.  Some might think that it was just the sex, but truly it wasn't.  You see, we were in tune on a different level.  He stimulated me not only sexually, but intelectually, and emotionally as well.  He was my hero at the time, but how we got here I don't know, is it salvageable, I don't know...what to do?  I don't know!